Up my Butt, Down my Throat

On Friday I am having a colonoscopy AND endoscopy.




Fortunately I will be unconscious during the procedures. Unfortunately I will need a ride to and from the hospital. Since I live with my parents and would never want to inconvenience my friends by asking them to take off work so they can drive me to a place where an asian man will shove tubes up my butt and down my throat, I had to ask my mom.

the call

“Hi, um,” I said over the phone. “Would you be able to give me a ride to the hospital on Friday, August 2nd?”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“I went to this gastrologist about my stomach issues.”


“They want to do that thing where they put the tube down my throat, and also…you know…that other thing.”

“They put you under for that?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”


I am no longer in 8th grade and could give two shits about something going up my asshole. I’m not saying I want things going up my asshole, but in situations like these, where I am trying to figure out what’s causing my stomach pain, I honestly don’t care. At this point, if the doctor had to stick his own cock up my ass, I would say “go for it doc” because I just want answers, and if taking a licensed cock up the ass tells me what’s wrong and takes the pain away, then so fucking be it.


To prepare my BODY for these medical intrusions I must follow the ‘day before procedure’ instructions:

10 am
1 bottle Citrate of Magnesia
Drink Liquids

2 pm
1 bottle Citrate of Magnesia
Drink Liquids

6 pm
1 bottle Citrate of Magnesia
Drink Liquids

I assume I will be spending the majority of Thursday on the toilet as that Citrate of Magnesia is some sort of laxative that will most likely completely clean out my insides; thus, giving the doctor as my paperwork states “a clear view of the lining of my colon.”


To prepare my DOCTOR for the endoscopy I will make sure to brush my teeth. To prepare him for the colonoscopy I will shave my ass. I will use my beard trimmer. Yes, I have done this before. Not to prepare for a colonoscopy but just so I don’t have a hairy ass.


If that ass above looks good to you then you are either in denial or one of those people who claims to see beauty in everything. I think hairy asses are disgusting and need to be dealt with. Luckily my ass hair isn’t too bad on the cheek portions, but the middle (near the asshole) is an area that my friend and I refer to as DARK. It’s just a dark bad place that you don’t want to enter or ever see for it might really mess you up mentally. Therefore, to ensure the doctor has a good weekend and doesn’t go insane, I lightened things up a bit.


Interested in joining the Men with Hairless Asses Club? Follow the steps below:

The 10 minute Ass Trim

Step 1: Wash that ass

Step 2: Grab a beard or hair trimmer (if you don’t have one, pick one up at Target for like $20)

Step 3: While standing in front of the bathroom mirror, position one foot firmly on the ground while stretching the other on top of the sink or cabinet

Step 4: Trim those cheeks

Step 5: Use your free hand to hold one cheek open while you buzz your way into that deep dark crevice

Step 6: Switch feet

Step 7: Repeat steps 4 and 5

Step 8: Dispose of the evidence by flushing or tossing hair in garbage

Step 9: Clean the beard or hair trimmer (doesn’t really need it, but let’s be safe)

Step 10: Rock that bald ass


Finally, to prepare my MIND for both procedures, I do what a lot of people do in horrible situations and don’t think about it. A big part of me is happy that I will be unconscious and unaware of any awkwardness or pain I might have felt if I were awake; however, another big part of me hates the idea of being unconscious as the thought of my naked body lying there while tubes are stuck in and out of me is a bit stressful.


So come Friday, my mom and I will drive to the hospital. Hopefully in silence. I already feel embarrassed for the obvious reasons but feel even worse for the fact that I am 29 years-old, live with my parents, and am having my mom take a half-day off work in order to drive me to have a procedure done that is often times associated with middle-aged men.


If there is any upside to all of this, it’s that I will finally know what is going on with my stomach and be able to takes steps towards reducing the cramps and bloating and gas and inconsistent stools. I also have a freshly shaved ass.


jay pic


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4 Comments Up my Butt, Down my Throat

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