The Self-Interview

Sometimes I interview myself. I do this because I want to be interviewed. Most of the time when I watch a TV talk show or listen to talk radio I am struck with interview envy.


One of the reasons I am trying to become a writer is because writers are typically interviewed. When you spend a good portion of your day in silence, drowning in your own thoughts for hours on end you develop a need to talk. The problem is that most of my friends and family aren’t interested in the sorts of in-depth ME-centered conversations I am interested in having, and since I am nowhere near famous, I am forced to interview myself.


What was it like writing your first book?

It wasn’t fun. Sometimes I wouldn’t leave the apartment for days at a time. I remember after writing my first draft I thought I was pretty much done, but eventually, I was hit with the realization that the book wasn’t nearly finished. The idea that I would have to spend another year or two or three rewriting what I just spent well over a year writing caused me to have a severe anxiety attack which I attribute to the cause of my stomach issues. My sleep was ruined most of the time. My relationships suffered. Often times, if I had a bad day of writing I wouldn’t really exist. I would walk around like a zombie, unable to have any real conversations with anyone. All I could do was live in this confused state until I had to go to sleep, wake up, and do it all over again, all while secretly freaking out that I was ruining my life and living in poverty all for nothing because any chances of success are nearly impossible. With all that said, I am very proud of my book; however, writing it was a nightmare.


Do you believe in God?

I don’t think so. But then again, maybe I do. I consider myself more of an agnostic than atheist due to the fact that I am horribly indecisive. There was a long period in my early to mid-20s where I was freaked out about death and the realization that one day I will die, cease to exist, go from something to nothing. Sometimes I would lie in bed and repeat that I was going to die over and over until I had a panic attack and had to run to the bathroom and splash water on my face. I feel a similar anxiety (not nearly as severe) when thinking about heaven. I just don’t understand how it would work. I have a hard time imagining a perfect world. And how do things like transportation work? Do people have jobs in heaven? What if I don’t like my cloud neighbors? It’s a lot to think about. Death (no heaven death that is) is definitely scarier but easier to imagine because I’m not teleporting to various parts of the universe with a snap of my fingers or making my favorite foods appear with the blink of an eye.


Why are you writing a blog about interviewing yourself?

It probably has a bit to do with being narcissistic. I also wasn’t sure what to write about this week and stressing over what to write about can ruin my funny mood. I try to have a funny mood when I write these things but sometimes maintaining the funny is hard. I also like to change things up. Last week I wrote more of a narrative style and this week I felt like writing a list style. Most times when I sit down to write this blog I want to write about writing and how it scares the shit out of me. But I don’t do that because I have realized that it’s best to dive right into whatever it is that I am trying to say.


What are your thoughts on politics?

I love politics. I think politics bring people together. The varying ideas and philosophies are important in that they teach people how to empathize towards individuals with opposing viewpoints. I see politicians as role models for our nations youth. I like the way they dress with their suits and all have the same clean shaven faces and stylish haircuts. I think they should create a haircut named, “The Candidate.” If so, I would be, “Up for election.” That’s what you would tell the hairstylist when you are getting this unique haircut. This one time, during a friend’s wedding, my other friend’s mom told me my hair look liked Rod Blagojevich’s hair. I took it as a compliment. I think politicians are wonderful. No way is Mr. Blagojevich guilty for whatever THEY say he did. FREE ROD! I think people who are passionate about political issues are smart, amazing, and wonderful. I love being around when they get all riled up about an “issue” they have little to no control over. Best day in November? Election Day. Too bad it only happens once every four years. I love watching two men spend millions and millions of dollars to get into that giant White House. The whole thing is just so honest. Politics. I love it.


If you were stranded on an island with five other people with no food, would you kill another human to survive?

I don’t think so. Unless they pissed me off. But if everyone was nice, I think I would form a Starvation Group where we all agree to starve to death. If people were opposed to joining my group I would have to find a way to kill myself so they didn’t get any of my meat. I would probably try feeding myself to the fishes. I don’t know though. Being devoured by a shark wouldn’t be fun. Unless I drown myself first, but then again, drowning sounds terrible. Maybe I’ll just kill everyone while they’re sleeping and stuff myself with human meat until my stomach explodes.


Where do you see yourself in five years?

Hopefully moved out of my parents’ house. If I’m still living with my parents at 34, I might seriously start contemplating…you know…

You’re not talking about…

Paying rent.

Yes, of course.

What’d you think I was talking about?


If you could have cosmetic surgery to fix something you didn’t like about yourself what would that be?

That’s a tough one. There’s a lot I’d like to fix. However, if I had to choose, I would probably give myself better hair. I am not bald thank god, but I would like thicker hair. The type you don’t have to mess with much in order to make it look good. My hair is thin and flat and requires product. Plus I have a crooked hairline. My whole right half of my face is somewhat deformed if you really study it hard. I learned tips and tricks throughout the years on how to look normal. But yeah, back to the hair. Thicker, a little wavy, no product required. That’s what I would want. I think one of man’s greatest fears is baldness, and bald men, in my opinion, are some of the bravest men that walk the Earth.


We are almost out of time, one last question, what is the most fucked up thing you have ever done?

Well, I already talked about fucking a blowup doll. That was pretty fucked up. Another fucked up thing (not sure if it’s the most fucked up but it’s pretty high up there) was back when I was in like 6th grade, I was at the doctor’s office, and while I was waiting for him to enter the examination room, I stole two of those disposable latex gloves. Flash to. I am home alone. I take out the gloves. Blow them up. And tie off the ends and four main fingers so the thumb is the only finger sticking out of the big round center and shove the inflated gloves side-by-side underneath a pillow. You can use your imagination on what happened from there. I will say two words: long nipples.


Thank you very much for answering my questions.

No problem. Thank you for having me.


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