Shhh…Don’t Tell My Employer

I work as an assistant for kids with special needs. Yes, I think I am better than you. I am doing something positive with my life. I am giving back to the community. Helping young children learn. Sacrificing my time for the greater good. Creating a better world. People should be thanking me. Telling me I am awesome. Giving me things like gold and diamond rings.


I don’t actually think like that. Some people do. If I were to be honest, I would quit today. Never see the kids again. I don’t hate kids or anything like that. I just find them exhausting to deal with. At the end of each day my brain is physically buzzing from the overload of stimulation.


The classroom I am currently assigned has kids ranging from grades 4 to 6. One of the 5th graders is cooler than me. More confident. Quicker mind. He reminds me of a small Will Smith (Fresh Prince of Bel Air era).


I can do this, I can do that! Look look, over here! Check this out, check that out! I can’t keep up with this kid. I don’t even know how to talk to him. All his topics of conversation have to do with being hip and cool.

“Gettin’ new shoes, yep, that’s my way.”



I know educators are supposed to be thoughtful and caring, but I find this kid’s personality very annoying, which is weird because I always thought I would enjoy hanging out with Will Smith. The problem most likely stems from the fact that he is one of the highest level kids I have worked with. He is also extremely hyper. I am constantly telling him to sit down, stop slamming his desk, and keep quiet.

3 yells

The role of the authority figure makes me feel old and annoying. I don’t like telling anyone to do anything. But I am an adult who works in education and needs to teach the children of today how to become the adults of tomorrow. Does that make sense? Whatever. When you’re a teacher, you can’t let the kids get away with stuff; especially kids with the Will Smith personality. Most of the kids I grew up with who were confident, cool, and quick minded are total douchebags.


My problem is with confidence. I don’t have much confidence in myself and therefore, don’t like confident people–especially confident adults. I hate confident adults. The idea that you feel ok with your life and everything about it is unrealistic. Stop acting like you know everything. You know nothing. To summarize, I don’t like confident kids and hate confident adults. The only reason I don’t hate confident kids is because they are kids, and hating them before their 18th birthday seems a bit harsh.


In order to turn this cool, confident, and hyper kid into the respectable/non-douchebag person I want him to become, I plan on spending the remaining weeks of summer school reducing his self-esteem. Joking. But I will be working on patience and the art of silence. For instance, while the computer was loading today, he started becoming impatient.

“This computer is slow, come on, slowpoke.”

“Breathe in,” I said in a somewhat sarcastic tone. “Relax…don’t talk…ah, silence…this is nice.”

He didn’t laugh or say anything. He just stared at the computer screen and shook the mouse. I lost hope and imagined him being flushed down a toilet.


While this kid is being forcefully pushed through the pipes, let me talk about something else…


I should like every kid I teach but don’t. I have my favorites and not-so favorites. But I do care about them all in one way or another, even the ones that have horrible attitudes and want to kick and punch and bite me and call me a “cock sucking mother fucker!”


Thankfully, most of the kids I have worked with are not violent or verbally abusive. I don’t know how some of the teachers can deal with that on a daily basis but am thankful that there are so many amazing women (and some men) out there that do. The annoying behaviors I typically deal with include:

– Loudness
– Whining
– Too much talking
– Line Cutting
– Stealing
– Not listening
– Excessive coolness
– Minimal attention span
– Rough playing
– Fart noises


Although the kids sometimes annoy me and make my brain buzz, I do love how they express their feelings and opinions in such a way that says fuck you to everyone and everything. They are not afraid to tell you what they think. Or complain. Or anything. They live their lives how they want–never adhering to societies rules or thinking about what not to say or do. They say and do whatever they please no matter how mean, annoying, or whatever, and it’s absolutely fucking beautiful.


I am not saying that I want a society full of people doing and saying whatever they wish. I am also not saying these kids’ behaviors can not use any adjustments. But the idea of presenting your true self to the world without consequence is nice. As long as your presentation doesn’t include stealing and murdering and raping and being an all around despicable human being.


After summer school ends, I will probably not teach anymore. I am not too crazy about my next year classroom assignment as it would involve working with some behavior kids, which means kicking, punching, biting, and “fuck you” stuff. I also want to devote more time to my writing. I am in the process of self-publishing my first novel and currently writing my second novel. Part of me feels like trying to pursue a life of writing is selfish. But another part feels like I need to write. I have hated pretty much every job I ever worked except for working with these kids. It truly has to do with how innocent they are and how horrible normal functioning adults are. But I don’t think I can handle spending 25 years of my life working in a world filled with women and children. Not that I don’t enjoy all the gossip and womanly insight, but the job in general wears me out. I am also not being told how great I am by enough people and given things like gold and diamond rings. Not that I expect that stuff but…


…oh shit. I forgot about you. Well, you needed a toilet flushing anyway. Cool off your coolness. Reduce your confidence. Do you feel any less annoying? Don’t answer that. The main thing is that you are ok. And in a few more weeks, I won’t be your teacher. Hold on…I only imagined flushing you down a toilet. Why are you wet? Doesn’t matter. Let’s just pretend this never happened.


jay pic


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