My asshole is all clear!


The colonoscopy results determined that I do NOT have Celiac, Crohn’s, or any sort of digestive-related disease. I do however have a Hiatal Hernia, which was determined by the results of the endoscopy. A Hiatal Hernia, according to Wikipedia is “a protrusion of the upper part of the stomach into the thorax through a tear or weakness in the diaphragm.”


If you look at the picture above, you can see the diaphragm in the ‘Hernia’ drawing is more spread apart which causes the upper part of the stomach to widen. Thankfully, people suffering from this don’t suffer much as also according to Wikipedia, “In most cases, sufferers experience no discomfort and no treatment is required.”


The negative side about getting all negative results is that I still don’t know what’s wrong with my insides. I most likely suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) which is brought on by a handful of unknown causes. If I were to pick the causes that I believe are causing the IBS, I would say stress, anxiety, and depression. But then again, I also found out, from a blood test, that I am allergic to peanuts, soy, corn, and wheat. So now, considering all this information, the doctor wants me to try a gluten free diet for six weeks.


Gluten is a protein found in wheat, barley, and rye. It’s basically in everything. Well, not everything but lots of things. I never even heard the word gluten until a few years ago. I don’t know where the fuck it came from and wish it never surfaced.


Luckily for me, the Gluten Free Movement has been going strong for some time, and there are a decent amount of gluten free food options available. The main stress associated with this diet is that it’s a giant inconvenience. I can’t eat bread. Can’t drink beer. Sure, there are alternatives to these products; however, they cost more money and are sold at limited locations.


It’s depressing to learn that I may no longer be able to eat/drink certain things I’ve been eating/drinking my entire life. I don’t know how people with Celiac or Crohn’s disease, or a severe gluten or other food allergy do it. secretsPart of me hopes that after the six weeks with no gluten I still feel messed up inside so I can go back to eating whatever I want. But if the gluten free diet works, I am going to have to stick with it and become one of those anti-gluten people everyone hates.


Let’s Get Serious

Stomach problems from food allergies or diseases or whatever can ruin your life. You’re constantly thinking about the bathroom or how your stomach will react to these fucking nachos. Will you be gassy for the party? Will you be able to watch TV without feeling an itchy pain inside your gut? Will your crap come out of your ass in a way that doesn’t require an entire roll of toilet paper?


Some people with more aggressive stomach problems need to know where a toilet is at all times, because when they have to go, they have to go. Imagine living that lifestyle. I can’t.


Let’s Get More Serious

Living with stomach pain sucks. It gives you (or maybe just me) a negative outlook on life. You ask yourself questions like, “Is this life worth it?” and “What makes people want to have children?”


Today I woke up to my alarm clock and heard how a bunch of people were, once again, blown up in Iraq. Awesome. My stomach hurts and innocent people are blowing up. Life is great.


What am I doing? Sorry about all the negativity. I am an adult and need to set a positive example.


Let’s Wrap this Up

I am very happy and thankful that I don’t have any serious stomach issues or intestinal diseases. Like I said, I think my stomach pain mostly comes from stress, anxiety, and depression. But who knows, I may feel better after this six week gluten free diet, and if that’s the case, I will join the however many annoying people who already belong to the Gluten Free Movement, not as an anti-gluten advocate, but as a person who unwillingly annoys waiters and grocery store employees everywhere with gluten related questions. Oh, and if you’re wondering, the doctor who performed the colonoscopy did NOT compliment me on my freshly shaved ass.


jay pic


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5 Comments Results

  1. Avatarkristen

    I’m sure she thought you were bizarre for shaving your ass. I know I would have.
    You have a very typical situation in this country right now, I spend half my colonoscopy day telling people that they need to change their diets. Let me run you through some of their replies:
    “I don’t know if I can do that.”
    Well, whatever, its your ass.
    “I never heard of that.”
    What? Sleep through Med School? Oh, what? You didn’t actually go to Med School…well, good news, I did.
    “But Doc, I’ve always eaten this way!” Yeah? Well, your body has had enough and now it’s pissed. That horrible feeling in your stomach…that’s your stomach telling you to fuck off with the soda and beer as well as all the weird preservatives and additives. That brown foamy liquid spraying the back of the toilet…that’s your colon demanding 10 (yep, that’s right, TEN!) fruits/vegetables every day. And those cramps are not a freight drain running down your intestine…its just make-believe food. It tastes good but Jesus and his disciples would have said “What the fuck is that?” That’s what I tell most patients, if Jesus ate it, you can too. In other words, if it’s been around for the last 2000 years, it’s probably OK. That being said, many people have intolerences to today’s modern Frankenwheat as well as the ubiquitous GMO corn and soy. Good luck!

    1. jlsarnajlsarna

      Haha, so you’d take a hairy ass over the shaved? I thought I was doing the doctor a favor. Yeah, I typically eat pretty good, so I don’t know what is going on exactly. I never laid off the gluten for 6 weeks though so will see how that works out.

  2. AvatarAdina Kabaker

    I didn’t know you studied screen writing at UCLA. My brother Fred teaches there, screenwriting and sit com writing. You would like Fred a great deal. I’m also glad you don’t have any diseases. Believe me, I know all about toilet maps. Kiss kiss, hug hug.


    1. jlsarnajlsarna

      Hey Adina,

      Yeah, the ucla thing was through their professional program. That’s awesome that your brother teaches there! I applied to their MFA a few years back but wasn’t accepted. I am glad I am disease free too!! See you at the next write club.

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