Pee Pain


The Orland Park Public Library bathroom.


Me and some old guy.




So me and this old guy are peeing next to one another. Thankfully the urinals are divided by a partition. I don’t have any specific fears about peeing in a non-partitioned urinal; however, I feel the partition allows for a more relaxed pee experience. Non-partitioned peeing is stressful and rushed. Stare at the wall, no moving, quick jiggle, flush, leave. Partitioned peeing is calming and freeing. Stare wherever, move around, slow/make sure all liquid is out jiggle, flush, stay…hang out, make a phone call, order pizza.


Anyway, no more than 10 seconds into our pee, the old guy next to me starts groaning, “AH, OH, EH!”


Sometimes when guys pee they let out a long “aahhhhh” sound sort of like the sound people make after drinking an ice cold glass of lemonade or crawling into bed after a hard days work, but this was no “aahhhhh” sound, this was an “Ah, Oh, Eh” sound which to me translated to “this pee coming out of me fucking hurts.”

microscopic pee

As you can see from the microscopic pee picture above, normal pee is round and smooth while painful pee is spiky and sharp. Why I am explaining this to you is beyond me? But just know that painful pee is out there. Watching you. Following you home at night. Lurking in the alleyways. Waiting for the perfect moment to jump out. Grab you. And make you scream.


Luckily, I have never fallen victim to painful pee. I am pee pain free. Have been for 29 years. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same about my poo. I don’t necessarily have poo pain but do have some trouble in that departement. I think it is stress related. And it’s not the poo that’s the problem. Poo samples look pretty much the same under a microscope.

poo sampleSee. The same. Sure, sometimes poo can hurt because it is too big or hard or hot (if you like spicy foods), but what I am trying to say, so I can get off this awful topic, is that my pain is not with the actual poo but with my stomach and intestines and all that.


At one point in this shitty story I was talking about peeing next to an old guy who was groaning loudly. Painfully. His gross “Ah, Oh, Eh” sounds make me think about life. I wonder if I will ever suffer from pee pain. I wonder if I will ever be so bold as to make my pee pain known to the world. Doubt it. I think, and hope, that if I did ever suffer from pee pain I would shut the fuck up about it. Especially in public.

public home

Being polite is exhausting.


Being aware is exhausting.


Being oblivious is easy.


This old guy, for all I know, doesn’t even suffer from pee pain. The only reason I said he did is because I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that we don’t live in a disgusting pee groaning society. If this guy is making these noises when peeing in public, I want it to hurt coming out. Don’t get me wrong, pee pain is no joke, and typically, I wouldn’t wish pee pain on my greatest enemy. But the idea that this old guy is making his “Ah, Oh, Eh” noises and not suffering from spiky/sharp circle pee, makes me wonder why I am wasting time and energy being polite and aware, and why not just sit back and drift into oblivion.


jay pic


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