Naked Sleepers

I don’t sleep naked for the following reasons:

1) I find it uncomfortable.

2) If a murderer broke into my house/apartment/condo/etc., my chances of survival are greatly reduced.


Now, if the murderer (who broke into my house/apartment/condo/etc.) was also naked, it would be a different story; however, most murderers don’t murder naked. Most murderers murder fully clothed.


To protect myself through the night I wear boxers and a T-shirt. Sometimes I wear shorts or pajama pants for added protection. This all depends on the month. The Murder Months are as follows:

– January
– July
– September
– December

Don’t ask me why these four months are more murder-inducing than all the others, but they are. Anyway, to protect yourself through the night, I suggest (at the bare minimum) tossing on a fucking T-shirt.


If you refuse to wear a T-shirt, due to the fact that you must for whatever reason(s) sleep naked, then be prepared to possibly die.

Some people are okay with dying.

Others are not.


I typically fall into the NOT okay with dying category, as you can probably tell from my non-naked sleep habits; however, there are times where I strip down and scream…


Over the past few months, my mental state has been deteriorating due to receiving rejection after rejection from graduate schools and coming to the realization that I will be working my grocery store job much longer than anticipated.


My main problem is that I have been consciously putting off real, full-time work, to pursue this ridiculous profession known as writing.


As I sat in my apartment and contemplated the past 10 years of my life, the urge to live faded and my mind began thinking horrible, horrible thoughts.


To get myself right, I accepted my non-graduate school fate and applied for a new, more tolerable, grocery store position that involved more responsibility and most importantly, minimal customer contact.


Thankfully, I got the new grocery store position.

Side Note: The new position is only 20 hours/week, so to make up the extra hours, I still work the cash register 10 hours/week.


When I was a kid, I thought my Life Plan would look something like this:


Now, as an adult, my Life Plan looks something like this:

Plan2I am a poor, sad-faced writer headed to an early grave. I cannot control my FATE when it comes to writing. I can control my FATE by wearing boxers and a T-shirt to sleep, so when a murderer bursts through my apartment door and tries to kill me, I can put up a fair non-naked fight.


About a week ago, I was taken off the waitlist and accepted to the Creative Writing Program at the University of Idaho. I was shocked.


The acceptance was terrific news and offered me a sense of relief that I had not felt in a very long time. The only problem is there isn’t any funding, which means I would have to take out student loans and pay back lots and lots of money for a degree that many people (who hire people to do boring-work-job) deem useless.


I’m currently applying for financial aid, looking for scholarships, and sending emails to various people at Idaho in an effort to somehow make this work. I would  love to attend graduate school but accumulating so much debt (possibly $75,000+) for something that may not pay off, makes me very uncomfortable. I don’t like feeling uncomfortable. I like feeling comfortable and protecting myself from fully clothed murderers by wearing boxers and a T-shirt to sleep. I don’t know how you naked sleepers do it. So carefree. So, I don’t care if I die. Don’t you know that naked people are easier to murder than non-naked people? Of course you know. You just don’t care.


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3 Comments Naked Sleepers

  1. AvatarBC

    Love it, great post. Maybe time for another Kickstarter to pay for your school! hahaha, good work though, glad you got accepted to Idaho, make it happen!

  2. AvatarIris

    I sleep clothed as I’m afraid there will be an emergency or an alarm and I shall have to run outside naked. That’d be embarrassing.
    Congratulations on the university acceptance.


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