Mr. Spit

Me and some guy are walking down the street. We are walking toward one another.

Me from one end.

Him from the other.


Just as the guy’s about to pass me, he spits.


Two questions:

1.) Was him (let’s call him, Mr. Spit) spitting at this particular moment an intended diss?

2.) Is Mr. Spit aware of the difference between a spit and a sneeze?

sneeze spit

If I had Mr. Spit’s address, I would write him the following letter:

Dear Mr. Spit,

Are you aware that spitting is VOLUNTARY? Therefore, you DID NOT have to spit the moment you walked past me. Even if something thick and slimy and ill-tasting shot up from your lungs, you could have held it inside your mouth for a few more seconds instead of spitting at the exact moment we crossed paths.

Now, if you sneezed, this would be a different story.

Sneezing is INVOLUNTARY. Therefore, if you sneezed while walking past me, there wouldn’t be any problem. If anything, I may have said, “God Bless You” or “Gesundheit.” But you DID NOT sneeze, you voluntarily moved your tongue and pushed liquid out of your mouth (a.k.a. SPIT) at, once again, the EXACT moment we crossed paths!

Anyway, I just wanted to educate you on the difference between a spit and a sneeze.


The guy you spit in front of while walking past

P.S. I was also wondering if you spitting was an intended diss? Please let me know at your earliest convenience.


I hope I am getting the severity of this shitty, I mean spitty, situation across, because guess what kids, spit kills! I mean, if Mr. Spit’s head was turned the other way, he could have spit on my shoes.


You may be thinking, How would some guy spitting on your shoes kill? Well, I am now 30 years-old and don’t think I can have some guy spit on my shoes at this age and keep quiet. Sure, back in my 20’s, I would have taken a shoe spit, shirt spit, and possibly a face spit in silence, but not anymore. The older I get, the less willing I am to submit to senseless morons, so if some senseless moron spits on my shoes, someone (hopefully the spitter) is getting KILLED!

spit killer

Maybe I’m looking at this situation all wrong. I always assume the negative. Maybe Mr. Spit’s spit was a welcoming spit. “Hello, my name is [spit] Mr. Spit.”

In that case, the polite thing to do would have been to spit back. “Hi, Mr. Spit. Nice to [spit] meet you.”

Initially, I assumed the spit was negative. Stupid me. The spit was positive. Now Mr. Spit thinks I don’t like him. He’s sitting at his ma’s house (pa left home when Mr. Spit was a Baby Spit) depressed and lonely. 

“I did exactly like you said ma. I spit the moment I walked past some random stranger.”

“And the stranger didn’t spit back?”

“No. No one ever spits back.” Mr. Spit runs into ma’s arms. “I’ll never have any friends.”

“Oh, honey,” says ma as she spits on her hand and brushes Mr. Spit’s hair. “One day someone will spit back.”

“But what if they never spit back? What if I am outcasted for spitting?”

“Spitting is good son, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

I highly doubt the above scenario holds any truth, but that is the sort of insane rationale I, and other semi-aware people, have to dream up in order to assume the positive rather than the negative.


I don’t feel like a negative person but sometimes people make me out to be. And that’s annoying. I feel like I’m just pointing things out. Sure, the things I point out may not be the most pleasant things, but I’m trying to write comedy here and you can’t write comedy about sunshine and rainbows.


That last sentence made me sound like some old, strung out New York comic.

“You can’t write comedy about sunshine and rainbows.”

Anyway, I should be writing about Mr. Spit and his dumb spit mouth, but I’m sitting here making excuses for him and discussing positivity and negativity and defending my comedy writing. I have an internal complex that needs to die.


Inner Teenager Rant:

I used to never give a crap about anything or anyone when it came to my writing. But over the past few years, I acquired this horrible positive conscious (mostly due to Facebook) that has been branded into my mind.


When it comes down to it, I feel somewhat guilty when writing about the negative (i.e. Mr. Spit) when everyone else is so concerned with the positive. Instead of bashing people, I should be embracing them and spreading the love.


The internal complex I discussed earlier may not even involve Facebook and focus solely on my refusal to relinquish the negative and embrace the positive. Maybe I should cut Mr. Spit some slack and let this shit, I mean spit, fly.

spit fly

Hi Mr. Spit,

Please ignore my initial letter. I didn’t know you were from Planet Spit. You see, I grew up on Planet Earth where spitting in front of people is improper. I am sorry for thinking you were dissing me and/or assuming you didn’t know the difference between a spit and a sneeze.

Anyway, the societal rules I used to abide by are no longer valid as I am moving towards a more positive outlook. I thank you for opening my eyes to the world. You have helped me become a more compassionate and caring human being. 


The guy you spit in front of while walking past

P.S. This letter has been personally covered in my own spit. You’re welcome!


jay pic


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