Death to My Neighbor

After not hearing my loud downstairs neighbor for a few days, I flirted with the idea that he was dead. My ears were overjoyed with happiness as they would no longer suffer the pain of hearing his angry, whiny, and piercing voice.


While my ears basked in the sweet sound of silence, my brain imagined the final moments of his demise. A fatal car wreck, impromptu choking, or possibly, someone took a hammer to his stupid head; thus cracking his primitive skull.


Only my dead downstairs neighbor’s mom and dad and a few friends, who all felt more of a sense of relief than sadness over this man’s demise, attended the funeral. His body was cremated, and at the request of his parents, his ashes were flushed down the toilet by the crematorium janitor.


In a perfect world, the situation described above would be true, but considering we live in an imperfect world, the situation is false and my loud downstairs neighbor with the angry, whiny, and piercing voice is not dead. In fact, he is alive and louder than ever.


The latest of his annoying tantrums had to do with riding the train. “I paid the fucking $2.25!” he yelled. “God damn right I’m going to sit. I’ll sit all day on this fucking train!”

Other notable angry bouts include:

“I will manipulate you!”


“No fucking way, I shot 10 bullets into him!”


I have lived on this Earth for 29 years and out of those 29 years, there have only been a handful of people who I have crossed paths with that have made what I call my Death List.


My Death List is a list of people who I have deemed wasteful and unproductive. They offer nothing beneficial to society and often times are a bother to those around them. Their passing is always celebrated and never mourned.


I created the Death List when I was a senior in high school. I was in my Metals and Electronics class when this bully-type kid told this nerdy-type kid that no one would care if he (nerdy-type) died. After hearing this, I thought, I don’t think so bully-type, in fact, I don’t think anyone would care if YOU died. And so I added my first name to my Death List. The tragic part of this story is that the nerdy-type ended up dying a year or so later in a horrible car accident.


To be clear: I am not wishing death on anyone…I just do not feel ANY sorrow when death comes to certain people. Let me remind you that out of my 29 years, only a FEW people have made the list. I am very strict when it comes to who I add and who I don’t. And yes, I cut a lot of breaks. If I was a bit more morbid than I actually was, the list would be a great deal longer as my patience for people would be even lower than it already is. For instance, drivers who don’t use turn signals when necessary. Fuck those people, kill them all. That would be my thought process if I was insane, but since I’m not insane, I just think fuck those people and leave the kill them all part out.


The main point I am trying (and have been trying) to get across to people is the idea of self-awareness. I want people to be aware of themselves and take others into consideration. If there’s one thing I excel at, it’s the skill of not bothering people and understanding how not to be a self-centered and obnoxious societal prick.


There are way too many people (like the above drawing) running around with their pointy little stick arms and stabbing society.

We got:

– People who complain to retail store employees whenever some problem arrises that inconveniences them in the slightest.

– People who take their sweet, sweet time walking across the street long after the WALK sign has expired.

– People who live in an apartment complex and don’t understand the concept of close quarters and scream loud angry shit like “FUCK that mother FUCKER!” or “GOD DAMMIT!” or “COCK FUCK, COCK FUCK, COCK FUCK!” at all hours of the day.


I am forever doomed in this world. I will always lose. My disappointment toward human beings will continue. I will be let down by their behavior over and over again. I ask myself what is the point of awareness when we live among the oblivious? I wish I wasn’t bothered by all the minor details. I wish I could join my loud, angry, and whiny neighbor whose piercing voice makes my ears bleed and be loud, angry, and whiny too, but the idea of burdening others in the process and possibly ending up on someone else’s Death List is more than enough to keep me quiet.


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