A Christmas Post

Since it’s Christmas time, the grocery store I work at is playing Christmas songs. I heard this one the other day:

Happy Holiday
Happy Holiday
While the merry bells keep ringing, may your every wish come true


When I was a kid, I loved Christmas. I loved the songs, the snow, the idea of Santa, the presents, the cookies, the decorations, the lights, everything about it. Now, as an adult, Christmas is a fucking nightmare.


To be clear: I am not a greedy, cold-hearted old man named Ebenezer who goes around saying “Bah, humbug!” or (present day translation) “Fuck your stupid Christmas holiday!”


Christmas, for many reasons, simply heightens my depression. If you are unaware, I live in a somewhat steady state of hopelessness, as my mind tends to focus on the negative rather than positive. I wish it were the opposite, but that’s not the case.


As I mentioned up top, I am working at a grocery store. I bag groceries, gather carts, clean, and eventually I will be trained to run the cash register. This is NOT where I imagined myself at 29 years old.

Note to Santa: I am not saying there is anything wrong with working at a grocery store at any age. In fact, I highly respect anyone who works low-wage grocery/retail/customer service jobs. My problem is that I have not achieved ANY of my goals in life (when it comes to writing), and therefore, I feel as if I deserve nothing more than a small lump of coal in my stocking this year.


Let’s break for a Christmas carol…

Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la la la la la

Tis the season to see family
Fa la la la la la la la la

No, no, please not the family
Fa la la la la la la la la

They will judge me very harshly
Fa la la la la la la la la


And we’re back….

When I was a kid, getting together with family for Christmas wasn’t an issue, but as an adult, it’s a pretty big fucking issue. There is nothing worse than telling those you love (or are supposed to love even though you only see them once a year) how you have, yet again, failed.

“So what’s new Jason?”

“Well, since I was denied to all six graduate schools I applied to and no one bought my book, I’m now working at a grocery store.”

Again, there’s nothing wrong with working at a grocery store, but working at a grocery store at 29 is not one of my goals. All working at a grocery store does (in my family’s mind) is reaffirm my position as the family loser.


The only worthy topic of conversation I will have going for me during this year’s family Christmas gathering is that I no longer live with my parents. This is huge, because it will upgrade my status from loser to self-sufficient loser.


When it comes down to it, my negative Christmas feelings are the result of the following:

1. My own insecure feelings

2. My negative preconceived family judgements

I imagine once I progress in my writing career, things will get better, as I will feel less insecure about myself and my preconceived family judgements will go from negative to somewhat positive. However, there is a part of me that believes the Christmas Spirit has forever abandoned my body.


The tragic part of this Christmas Post is that I really did once love Christmas, but over the years, the warm and cheerful holiday has transformed into a large, heavy sack that I carry over my shoulder.


So turn off the lights, take down the decorations, burn the cookies, return the presents, kill Santa, pee in the snow, and change the lyrics of well-known Christmas songs:

Happy Holiday = Kill yourself
Happy Holiday = Kill yourself
While the merry bells keep ringing, may your every wish come true = You are a failure, failure, failure, and your wishes will never come true


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3 Comments A Christmas Post

  1. AvatarIsaiah

    One time I went and bought the largest egg nog milkshake they had from McDonalds so fast that I threw it all up and it was still cold :/

    ….Merry Christmas

  2. AvatarIris

    The holidays seem to be just like any other day, except with presents. Everyone other than myself and two colleagues took Christmas Eve off at my work. I couldn’t be bothered, and I had things to get done.

    My parents and I don’t get together with extended family (closest family lives in anther province), but I dread certain questions and comments at large family get togethers. They always want to know why I’m still single and haven’t “settled down” yet.
    I hope your Christmas goes smoothly.


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