The Facebook Thumb

On Facebook, whenever we like something, we click on Like or give it a thumbs up.

thumb

The amount of frustration this tiny thumb has caused me over the years is insane. Never in my wildest dreams have I ever imagined that my eventual downfall as a person would be from a simple hand gesture.

RIP

My problem with the thumb is that I don’t get enough of them. Now listen, I am not one of those people who thinks everything they post deserves a thumb. I do however believe that certain posts are more thumb worthy than others. For instance, I posted about how I started a Kickstarter for my book that I’ve been working on for over five years. You know how many thumbs that post got? 9 THUMBS!

thumbdown

I will now list and describe some of the MOST thumbed posts on Facebook:

1. The new profile picture post

Post a new profile picture and you will indeed get thumbs. Use this method to pull in at least 10+ thumbs for guys and 25+ thumbs for girls.

2. The food post

For some reason, people love seeing pictures of food. Go ahead and post photos of your breakfast, lunch, dinner, even dessert and the thumbs will start pouring in. This also works with photos of drinks, but keep in mind, the thumb count will be a bit lower.

3. The pregnancy post

This is easily one of the most powerful thumb attracting posts as it lasts 9 whole months! Post weekly pregnancy updates, photos of your ultrasounds, baby name ideas, and anything and everything to do with that cute little baby bump.

4. The newborn baby post

As soon as your baby is born, start posting, because from this moment on, you have exactly one-year of free baby thumbs until we lose interest in your child.

5. The self-discovery post

Have you discovered something about yourself? Tell us you have decided to follow your dreams: 50+ thumbs. Tell us you are gay: 100+ thumbs. Tell us how you triumphed over a moment of great despair: 150+ thumbs.

6. Post an upworthy video

These videos should be called thumb-worthy videos because that’s what they are.

7. The positivity post

I love people! YES! Life is great! Saying positive things makes you sound like a wonderful, happy, and caring person and is one of the easiest ways to collect thumbs as it compels people, who are genuinely nice but don’t feel the need to post about how nice, positive, or whatever they are, to feel bad about themselves and unwillingly thumb said positive posts; thus, making said positive posters believe they are liked when in fact, they are most likely hated.

8. The engagement post

Show people how much you are in love and how you’ve taken a giant step towards adulthood by posting the big news online. 100+ thumbs easy. THUMB BONUS! A great way is to increase your thumb count is to take some engagement photos of you and your significant other fake laughing, holding each other in awkward positions, and looking creepily into each other eyes.

9. The sad post

Nothing says thumb like a sad post about your tragic life, failing marriage, or horrible disease. I want you, and everyone to know, that my thumb is there for you.

10. The death post

The death post is the BEST way to get people who don’t really care about you to feel sorry for you and give you a thumb. The downside to this post is that someone close to you must die, but the upside is you are guaranteed 200+ thumbs no problem.

death

I will now list and describe some of the LEAST thumbed posts on Facebook:

1. My book posts

For those who don’t know, I am self-publishing my novel, Night Burgerand raising money to help cover some of the costs through this website called Kickstarter. There are ONLY 5 days left to donate. $5 gets you an e-book. $20 gets you the actual book. The fact that I am asking people to donate money towards a book (which takes hours to read and is authored by a nobody) has anti-thumb written all over it.

2. My blog posts

I received 3 thumbs on my last blog post. Spending hours upon hours trying to create something unique and entertaining that says something about the world is no longer relevant as people are busy living their adult lives and would much rather use their thumbs on a post that takes a few seconds to read or a photo of a piece of cake.

3. My video posts

The lack of thumbs I, as well as my two friends and co-creators, received on our almost adults web series was comical. So comical that we made this video:

In conclusion, if you, like me, are plagued with thumb envy and suffer from thumb-mares (nightmares involving thumbs), maybe try posting from my list of ‘the MOST thumbed posts on Facebook.’ Tell people you are depressed. Post a photo of your dinner. Have a baby. Stop killing yourself over your lack of thumbs by realizing that most people could care less about anything of value you try to create or say; therefore, reaching that point where you can sort of reference a rap song by saying, “I got 99 problems but a thumb ain’t one.”

[end]

jay pic

 

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4 Comments The Facebook Thumb

  1. AvatarIris

    Hello there. I stumbled across your blog and commenting for the first time. Agree with you on the posts which get the most thumbs up. The most “liked” posts on mine were two photos of me and a post about my getting promoted. For everything, I go “ooh!” when I get a like.

    Reply

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