Cart Consciousness

“Good afternoon. Thank you all for attending. Today I will be discussing a theory I call, Cart Consciousness.”

Cue PowerPoint presentation, slide #1

CartCon

“I developed this theory while working at a grocery store. Whenever you are working at a grocery store, or any business that involves customers, you tend to lose all hope in humanity.”

Cue PowerPoint presentation, slide #2

humanity

“The reason for this loss of all hope in humanity has to do with the realization that most people are complete idiots. If you don’t believe me about most people being complete idiots, I urge you to review the following slides.”

Cue PowerPoint presentation, slide #3

idiots

 slide #4

misplaced

slide #5

cartgbage

“For the purposes of this presentation, I will focus on slide #5, garbage in cart.”

AUDIENCE MEMBER HAND RAISE

“Yes, sir.”

“What sort of garbage are we talking about?”

“All kinds. Plastic produce bags. Free sample containers. Sales papers. One time, I found a quarter-filled McCafé sitting in an empty shopping cart.”

“Yum!” exclaims audience member. “What flavor?”

“Not important. Anyway, my internal anger toward myself for working a job that requires me to gather carts at age 30 combined with the fact that someone left their stupid McCafé sitting in an empty cart caused me to aggressively grab the McCafé and whip the remaining contents onto the ground; however, thanks to a not-so-great whip motion, the remaining contents ended up on my pants and shoes.”

Unintentional cueing of PowerPoint presentation, slide #6

peace

 “Dammit!”

Reverse cue to PowerPoint presentation, slide #5 

cartgbage

“Sorry about that. Where was I? Yes. Garbage in cart.” Deep breath. “It is in my humble opinion that if people understood why leaving their garbage in empty shopping carts is wrong, we, as a society, will benefit greatly.”

Cue PowerPoint presentation, slide #6

peace

“Most people seem to lack a great deal of societal awareness. What Cart Consciousness does is increase societal awareness by filling people with common sense and empathy; thus, allowing them to see all sides of the equation.”

Cue PowerPoint presentation, slide #7

equation

“So what is Cart Consciousness? How can Cart Consciousness be achieved? The general rule of Cart Consciousness is simple: Do not leave your fucking garbage in your empty fucking shopping cart.”

AUDIENCE MEMBER HAND RAISE

“Yes, ma’am.”

“What if when you get your empty fucking shopping cart, there’s already fucking garbage inside of it?”

“Good fucking question. From my experience, I have noticed that most people tend to ignore any prior C.G. (Cart Garbage) and leave it in the cart for the next person to deal with. However, once Cart Consciousness is achieved,  I believe most people will dispose of any prior C.G. themselves.”

“Hahahahaha!” audience laughter.

“It’s true!”

“HAHAHAHAHA!” louder audience laughter.

Cue ahead to PowerPoint presentation, just-in-case of audience laughter slide #13

bomb

The audience quiets.

Reverse cue to PowerPoint presentation, slide #8

can

“This is a trash can. Garbage belongs in trash cans. Garbage does NOT belong in shopping carts. Groceries belong in shopping carts. Clothes belong in shopping carts. Small children belong in shopping carts.”

Cue PowerPoint presentation, slide #9

kid

“The dictionary defines garbage, more or less, as useless material. I doubt many of you would define groceries, clothes, and small children as useless material. If you do define groceries, clothes, and small children as useless material, I can understand why you would leave garbage in shopping carts; however, I believe most people (even complete idiots) do NOT define groceries, clothes, and small children as useless material. So my question is, what are we doing?”

 Cue PowerPoint presentation, slide #10

question

“As a grocery store employee, I cannot tell you how aggravating it is to stumble upon C.G. The idea that people feel it’s okay to leave their useless material behind for someone else to dispose of properly is, in my opinion, the central problem in society.”

AUDIENCE MEMBER SHAKEY HAND RAISE

“Yes, sir.”

“But what about central problems like war and greed and some angry grocery store employee, no offense, threatening to blow up audience members during his PowerPoint presentation?”

“As I said earlier, Cart Consciousness increases societal awareness by filling people with common sense and empathy; thus, allowing them to see all sides of the equation. With that said, if people saw all sides of the equation, central problems like war, greed, and PowerPoint presentation bomb threats would be greatly reduced.”

 Cue PowerPoint presentation, slide #11

sleep

“At this point, I ask you all to close your eyes and imagine that you are 30 years-old and gathering shopping carts. The first two carts you gather are empty; however, sitting inside the third cart is . . . a used disinfectant wipe.”

Various grunts and growls sound from the audience.

“Now. With your eyes still closed, imagine reversing time to when that person, who left the used disinfectant wipe in the third cart, practiced Germ Consciousness (a more self-centered consciousness) by wiping the damp cloth across the cart handle and once they were satisfied with the level of sanitation, tossed the used disinfectant wipe in the trash can where, we all know, useless material belongs.”

Silence.

“Open your eyes.”

 Cue PowerPoint presentation, slide #12

cartyou

Cart Consciousness is a simple, yet effective way to teach complete idiots important life skills like common sense and empathy. It can also lead to other forms of consciousness, such as: Turn Signal Consciousness, Putting Grocery Items Back in their Correct Location Consciousness, and even, Using a Public Bathroom without Pissing all over the Place Consciousness. Eventually, thanks to this exciting new theory, we will become a more conscious society and possibly, my hope in all humanity will not be lost forever.”

[end]

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6 Comments Cart Consciousness

  1. AvatarYaddy

    Dude…. you are one talented mofo. Side Note: We should collaborate on some of your shit… I finally bought my own camera equipment and need to start filming shit! Your shit would be the bomb to work on. Seriously.

    -Yaddy

    Reply
    1. jlsarnajlsarna

      Thanks Yaddy! That is awesome about the camera equipment! Still working on getting this book done, but once finished, I would definitely be up work on some stuff. I’ve been wanting to do more film stuff, but my camera sucks and haven’t had the time.

      Reply
  2. AvatarIris

    Ugh at people leaving garbage in carts, especially when there are garbage cans nearby. Another annoying thing I’ve noticed is people leaving coffee or drink cups on store shelves. It isn’t so difficult to keep the cup with you and toss it out when you’re in the mall or outside the store. Sometimes there is a garbage can right in the store.

    Reply
    1. jlsarnajlsarna

      Yeah, there are garbage cans right by the entrance/exit doors and throughout the store. Haha, yeah, ditching the drink cup on shelves. Super annoying. I remember finding crap like that when I worked at Big Lots.

      Reply
  3. AvatarDan Rivera

    Haha. Over the weekend I had a 30 min convo with my buddy about all these pieces of shit throwing trash on the street. Flaming Hot Cheetos, Oberto’s Beef Jerky and dog shit.

    Reply
    1. jlsarnajlsarna

      Dog shit throwers are the worst! Something needs to be done about this!! About 2 months ago, I saw a car door open and someone just set down their White Castle cup and drove off! WTF!!!

      Reply

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