My Big Uvula, Wal-Mart, and Primetime TV

It’s been five days since my tonsillectomy. The pain today was excruciating. My throat was extremely dry and sore and my ears felt like they were about to bleed. The pain has since subsided. I examined my mouth with a flashlight and it looks like a firecracker went off inside. There are big holes and white scabs and my uvula (hangy ball in throat) is like 3 times its original size.

mouthThe nurse informed me on the day of the surgery: “Each day you should feel a little better, but around day 5, when the scabs come off, you will feel some serious pain much like in day 1 or 2.” That explains my intense pain today but does not explain my giant uvula; however, I suppose when you have the interior of your mouth cut apart you can expect a little swelling.

club uvula

My enlarged uvula looks sad lying on my tongue. I don’t think it’s happy with me. Since the surgery, breathing in and out of my nose has been a problem. It’s like I can breathe in fine, but the airway gets blocked on the exhale. I’ve turned into a Mouth Breather! Is this your doing uvula? My voice is also trashed. I sound like some terminally-ill villain in a superhero movie who secretly wants to perform mouth surgeries on the masses in an effort to get rid of normal voices ONCE AND FOR ALL!

villain
Click here for villain’s voice

Two days ago, I needed a refill on my codeine medication. I thought I could refill it without having to talk to anyone but ended up calling the doctor’s office and pharmacy several times.

I first called the doctor’s office at 10am (medication almost gone).

ME: “Hi, I requested a refill on prescription yesterday, still waiting.”

SECRETARY: “Last name.”

ME: “S. A. R. N. A.”

SECRETARY: “Jason.”

ME: “Mm-hm.”

SECRETARY: “The doctor is with patients right now. I will make sure he receives the message.”

I called the pharmacy next at 2 pm (medication gone).

WAL-MART: “The doctor has not authorized the prescription.”

ME: “Uh-huh.”

Doctor’s office at 4 pm (medication gone and starting to hurt).

ME: “Hi, I call prescription earlier and not in. Medicine all gone.”

SECRETARY: “What’s the last name?”

ME: “S. A. R. N. A.”

SECRETARY: “The doctor has gotten the message. He’s been with patients all day.”

ME: Disappointed wimper.

Finally someone from the doctor’s office calls and tells me the prescription has been authorized.

winner

Upon entering Wal-Mart, I am greeted by the employee greeter. “Hello, welcome to Wal-Mart.”

Groan.

I would have said “Hello” but was done talking for the day. I would have waved but didn’t want to look creepy. All I could do was avoid eye-contact and walk passed.

While standing in the pharmacy Pick Up line, my mind explodes. Fuck Wal-Mart. I don’t want to shop somewhere that has greeters. I am not a hello person. People who like hellos are needy assholes. Eventually how many hellos can a greeter give out? They must hate their job. I would. Saying hello to customers is the worst. They probably only hire greeters because it boosts sales or something. Stupid hello lovers. If I were a normal Wal-Mart employee I would be pissed. WAIT! I’m expected to run the cash registers and stock the shelves and clean the disgusting toilets AND say hello. Not fair! And what about us customers who just had surgery and can’t talk? Thanks for making us look like anti-hello assholes.

hellnoIf you’re getting sick of me writing about tonsils and recovery and prescriptions, well guess what, I am getting sick of it too, but there’s nothing else that’s been going on in my life. I watch TV. That’s pretty much it. My mind is too blurry to read or write or go outside so I watch shitty daytime TV until the great and powerful Primetime TV comes on.

primetimetv

Tonight we have the Bulls versus the Miami Heat Game 5 playoff game. I don’t typically give a crap about basketball but I do now because I am weak and needy and been stuck inside by myself for almost a week. I need a large group of screaming fans to make me feel like I belong to something and since I’m not religious, I don’t have God to talk to or whatever.

god line

I’ve lost about 6 pounds so far. I thought this recovery would be a lot quicker. I thought I would be eating solid foods by now. I thought I would be back to work tomorrow. I’m learning that everything I’ve thought about this tonsil surgery/recovery is wrong in one way or another. Hopefully tomorrow I get some answers when I go for my post-op visit. Right now I am thinking about indulging my uvula with a cup of hot tea. Wait. Can I drink hot tea? Maybe a freeze-pop then. You hear that uvula! You’re getting a freeze-pop so be a good little hangy throat ball and shrink back down to normal size.

[end]

jay pic

 

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